Happy birthday Sassy!

Happy birthday Sassy Davis! Today Sassy would have been 6 years old. She lost her battle with cancer 2 months shy of her 6th birthday. She left us way too young. Tim and I had a memorial for Sassy today. We looked through the scrapbook I put together, and remembered what a sweet, loving member of our family Sassy was -- and always will be.

It's interesting how our natural human tendency is to hold on to everything - to want to hold on to loved ones, moments, relationships, and dear life. This fierce sense of attachment causes great heartache because of course, nothing is permanent, nothing is everlasting.

I remember holding onto Sassy throughout her illness. And then I would check in with my support group (the Feline Lymphoma group) and kind members would remind me that I can only but take one day at a time. This would help me and I would try to detach from 'holding onto the unknown future" and be present with Sassy. I would watch her rest, show her love, and just be with her.

I also remember the last night - when I could tell she was dying. We somehow think we are not capable of coping with these moments in life, and yet - in my experience at least - we somehow rise to the occasion and pull it together. I know I *wanted* to hold onto her. I didn't want to let her go. At the same time, I knew she had to go, that she indeed wanted to go and leave her dis-eased body. I told her I loved her and I sat there with her all night, until she left in the wee hours after squeezing my hand 3 times.

I still miss her today. I think I will miss her everyday. At least now that some time has passed, it doesn't feel like a suffocating unbearable weight. Rather, I have enough space to remember the joy and love Sassy brought and continues to bring through her memory. I guess that place of joy is the 'middle ground' or state of groundlessness that Buddhist author Pema Chodron talks about so often. No clinging, no attachment, just pure experiential joy and present-ness. It's a beautiful place - yet so hard to float there without starting to tailspin and grasp for the ground. I guess I'll keep trying.

xoxo to Sassy the lovebug!