Expressing Grief

I've been wanting to start a blog about Sassy for years now, and it seems odd that my first post since beginning the site -- the "start" -- would be about the end. Sassy died on June 30 from feline lymphoma. She had a high-grade, aggressive lymphoma in her intestinal tract. It went away after 3 chemotherapy sessions and recently came back. When it comes back so soon, the prognosis is not good -- which we saw play out obviously in her decline last week.

The deep, seemingly bottomless hole that is my loss feels like a brick, a storm, a disaster, a dead-end.....At first words could not describe the feeling. How could she be gone? It was always something I intellectually understood about the illness -- that it would end in her demise -- but not emotionally. These last days, the emotional part has caught up to me.

According to Alan Wolfelt in his book Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, there is a difference between grief and mourning. Grief is an internal feeling and mourning is the outward expression of grief. It is how we process grief. Otherwise, grief unprocessed over the longer term may implode....

Here are some ideas for mourning that I have gleaned from my dear friends on the feline lymphoma support group and the beloved cats lost to lymphoma support group:

1. Make a scrapbook honoring your beloved.
2. Make a special box for placing toys, collars and any other special items.
3. Plan a memorial service.
4. Place a permanent memorial in your garden or home -- such as an engraved stone, paw print in a picture frame, engraved urn with ashes....
5. Create a meditation area that contains pictures and mementos of your beloved friend. Light a candle or incense daily and meditate in this special space.
6. Plant a tree or special flowers to honor your beloved. For friends of the mourner, it is a beautiful gesture to, rather than send flowers, send a plant that will live or bloom over and over as an acknowledgment of the special cat.
7. Talk it out - cry as much as you need to (probably will be in spurts that come and go). Many vet schools run grief hotlines specific to pet loss: Cornell, U. of California, U. of Florida, and others.
8. Make a condolence book of special messages you receive. I've received over 70 messages about Sassy, which has been overwhelming and a beautiful experience. She sparked so much love in everyone she met.
9. Volunteer. Your local SPCA or Humane Society probably needs all the help they can get. You are probably not ready to adopt another pet just yet (in fact, it is often not advised so that you can take the time to mourn) -- yet you can share all the love you have for your cat by shining it on kittens and cats at the shelter; just visiting with them as they feel so lonely, 'talking them up' so that they can be placed into loving homes, and so forth. There are so many cats who need a loving home like the one you provided for your special friend.
10. Read -- there are books listed on this site regarding grief, memories, and the special place that cats hold in our hearts.